Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.