[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
men are simple creatures
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up