The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
want me to check your oil?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
What if all the cashiers are married?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!