My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A classic…
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?