*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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Black Friday “markdowns” like
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD