Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
pls suprot
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.