My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
He wanted to make sure😂
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.