Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You Might Also Like
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”