I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Why soy sad?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction