[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.