If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Nomnomnomnom
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it