My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
You Might Also Like
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Poetry is my passion
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Breakfast for Stoners:
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years