To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My kitchen overserved me.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I don’t know what to do
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent