I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
#NoRestForTheWicked
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey