Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
there’s probably a fee though
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.