Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?