“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*jingles half the way*
Blew my mind.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Everything reminds me of my ex
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.