I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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Netflix and awkward silence?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.