Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
fair
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.