me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?