My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
You Might Also Like
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.