[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
guys i’ve cracked the code
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that