If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them