eating my hot dog hamburger style
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”