“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.