Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.