If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
You Might Also Like
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
This forever.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Oh deer
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.