[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Hell yeah 👍
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.