[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
broke down and did it
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope