In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
No chill.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The pasta is now
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home