I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’