My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Catercrombie & Fish
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?