Seals are just dog mermaids.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.