HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*