The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.