The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.