starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?