You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Oops
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.