I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold