Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
this came to me in a vision
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.