*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
any last words?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL