How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
When libraries troll their patrons.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!