Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October