I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.