God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Oh no
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
peep davidson
why I oughta
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired