Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My background check bounced.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby