Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.