[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Ironic
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.