Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
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7:
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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Risking my life for fun.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I am, perchance
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??