An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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No. He’s not coming out to play
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
my fav colour is also hitler
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay